Play It Again, Scam

Email Scam:

From: miphilmo@bluewin.ch
Subject: PAYMENT NOTIFICATION
Date: Thu, 12 Mar 2009 16:28:23 +0000

Dear Friend,

I am Mrs. Kathy Lloyds, I am a Australia citizen, I am one of those that Executed a contract in Nigeria years ago and they refused to pay me, I had paid Over $150,000 Australian Dollars, while trying to get my payment all to no avail.

So I decided to travel down to Nigeria with all my contract documents, and I was directed to meet Barrister Fred Oputa, who is the member of CONTRACT AWARD COMMITTEE, and I contacted him and he explained everything to me. He said that those contacting us through emails are fake.

Then he took me to the paying bank, which is Standard Finance Bank Plc and I am the happiest woman on this earth because I have received my contract funds of $1.5 Million, USD. Moreover, Justice Fred oputa, showed me the full information of those that have not received their compensation payment.

You have to contact him direct on this information below.

Name: Barrister Fred Oputa
Email: ( justicefredoputa@gmail.com )

You really have to stop your dealings with those contacting you because they will dry you up until you have nothing left with you.

Thank You and God Blessed.
Mrs. Kathy Lloyds

My Reply to Fred:

Mr. Fred,

I was referred to you by Mrs. Kathy Lloyds who said you have been investigating my unpaid compensation payments. You will never know how much this means to me!

Over the past year, I have sent approximately $10,000 to a bank in Nigeria and have yet to hear back from them. Unfortunately, it's not the first time this has happened to me. I have been involved in almost a half dozen Ponzi schemes over the past 10 years, including over $425,500 with Bernie Madoff alone.

Contrary to popular belief, I am not a greedy person! All I want to do is get back to even. And this 1.5 Million USD will get me almost half the way there. That being said, if you have any investment ideas where I could double or possibly triple this money in a few months, I would really appreciate it.

These experiences have taught me many valuable lessons though. First, marriage vows should be changed to, "Till loss of our life savings do we part." Second, it's important to know if your boat insurance is paid up before sinking it to pay for the divorce. And third, is what the barrel of a gun tastes like before I cry myself to sleep every night.

I know people say certain things are too good to be true, but I strongly believe in karma and hope each new investment will be the one that balances out the rest. So I know this is a silly request, but since I've been burned so many times in the past, can you please send me something to convince me that you are legit. I appreciate your indulgence!

Cautiously yours,
Scamtastic

My Reply to Kathy:

Mrs. Lloyds,

Thank you so much for contacting me about the compensation payments I am owed. I have already contacted Fred Oputa, but I want to thank you personally for going out of your way to find me.

As a screenwriter, I have to say your story is both courageous, inspiring, entertaining, and experiential. And since I have lost a lot of money from previous email scams, I think I am the write person to right your story. So I would really appreciate it if you would tell me more about your harrowing journey from Australia to Nigeria. And don't leave out any of the juicy details!

For instance, did you meet a swarthy romantic interest at a bar, only to later find out that he was working for the enemy, but before he could deliver the deathblow, you looked into his eyes and he realized that you were the only love for him, so he spared your life and turned on the very scammers that he was working for, only to sacrifice himself in the end to help you get the money and return home safely? If so, that would really help my dramatic structure.

Anyway, please get back to me as I would also like to find out if this would make a better comedy or drama.

Strangelovely yours,
Scamtastic

Scam Reply from Kathy:

[Not delivered] RE: PAYMENT NOTIFICATION‏
From: Swisscom AG (info.noreply@bluewin.ch)
Sent: Mon 3/16/09 4:28 PM

** English **
This is an automated message. Please do not reply.
The account you tried to reach has been temporarily disabled.

** Deutsch **
Dies ist eine automatisch generierte Nachricht. Bitte antworten Sie nicht auf dieses Mail.
Die Mail-Adresse, die sie angeschrieben haben, wurde vorübergehend gesperrt.

** Français **
Ceci est un message généré automatiquement. Merci de ne pas répondre à ce message.
L'adresse email que vous avez adressé a été désactivée temporairement.

** Italiano **
Questo è un messaggio generato automaticamaente. Si prega di non rispondere a questo messaggio.
L'indirizzo email da lei indirizzato è stato disattivato temporaneamente.

Scam Reply from Fred:

From: j.f.oputa@msn.com
Subject: INFORMATION NEEDED (CALL ME NOW)
Date: Wed, 18 Mar 2009 03:05:56 +0000

Justice Fred Oputa Chambers.
2nd Floor Ghalib House,
24 Abdul Wahab Folawiyo Rd.,
Lagos, Nigeria.

Sir/Madam,

A firm where the client is treated with courtesy, truth is sacrosanct, our credos is excellence, honesty, transparency and fear of God, where the helpless is assisted, the cheated given succor, the powerless empowered and we all live like one big family.

I am Barrister Justice Fred Oputa from the Unity Chamber, I receiverd your mail about your dealing with some criminals regarding your contract payment. However before I proceed with you I will want you to fill the information below.

Full Name:
Address:
Phone Number:
Age:
Country:

Note that I will draft an application that you will be sending the bank upon the response this mail. The success of this benture depend on your ability to follow my instruction. You must follow my instruction so that your fund will be transfered to you.

You can call me on +2348022798323.

I await your response.

Regards
Barrister Justice Fred Oputa

My Reply to Fred 2:

Mr. Fred,

Thank you for your credos and your sacrosanctity. As one who had been cheated, I have felt like a "sucker" before, so I truly appreciate your firm's "succor". I find it hard to trust people without fear in their heart, so I am comforted to know that God scares you too. The only thing that worries me is that your said your firm "lives like one big family". Is it some kind of commune? What are you a liberal, hippy socialist? Maybe your heart isn't as afraid as it should be.

I emailed Kathy Lloyds to thank her for putting us in touch, but the email bounced back. Do you have a current email address for her? Is she okay? I would be more at ease if I could contact her before moving forward with this transaction. As a screenwriter, I plan to turn her life story into a feature script or possibly even a movie of the week, so I really need to get in touch with her. Or at least know how she died, so I know how the story should end.

Full Name: Scamtastic
Address: 7 Robbie Ln, Los Gatos, CA 95030
Phone Number: N/A (please contact me through email, as my phone is currently gay)
Age: 33
Country: USA

I hope to hear back from you soon.

Transparently yours,
Scamtastic

Scam Reply from Fred 2:

From: j.f.oputa@msn.com
Subject: KINDLY CONTACT THE PAYING BANK FOR YOUR FUND‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏
Date: Thu, 19 Mar 2009 07:02:08 +0000

Dear Scamtastic

However, I want you to know that I will inform the bank about this and will want you to be rest assured that I will back you up in this venture hence there won’t be any breach of the law before and after this transaction. Further more I must lay emphasis on the your past buisness with this crook. I will have to file a file to ensure that they are traced but you must promise that you will never have anything to do with them again either by mail, phone or otherwise.

Do have the Application Below sent to the Bank Today and as soon as that is done we shall wait upon their response. As soon as the bank contacts you please do not hesitate to update me so I can further give you directives on how to go about it to avoid mistakes.

Regards,
Barrister Fred Oputa.
.......................................................................................

THE DIRECTOR
FINANCE AND REMITTANCE,
STANDARD FINANCE
E-MAIL: transferdept@sfbconnect.com
Website: http://www.sfbconnect.com/nig/
Tel: + 234 01 760 6283

APPLICATION FOR CLAIM CREDIT BALANCE OF USD $1.500, 000.00.

I write to lay claim over my contract funds of 1.5 Million Dollars which is presently in deposited in a suspended account with your bank.

I wish as the beneficiary, to claim and instruct that the above-mentioned fund be handed over to me at the earliest through my appointed mode of payment.

I hope my application will be favourably granted by your good office and shall provide you my details and preferred mode of receipt of the fund as soon as my payment is approved.
Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Yours Faithfully,
Scamtastic

My Reply to Fred 3:

RE: KINDLY CONTACT THE PAYING BANK FOR YOUR FUND‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏‏

Sent:	Mon 3/23/09 2:24 PM
To:	j.f.oputa@msn.com

Mr. Fred,

I promise not to have anything to do with the crooks that have scammed me in the past. I sincerely hope you are able to trace their files and root them out of their hidey-holes.

I will send the application to the bank as advised and update you as soon as they contact me. I definitely hope to avoid any of the previous mistakes that I have made. With your help, I truly believe in my God-fearing heart that this time will be different!

However, I am still worried that I have not received Kathy Lloyds correct email address. I desperately need to get in touch with her about my screenplay idea. Her story must be told! Please send me an address where I can contact her!!! I don't know if I feel comfortable continuing this transaction without it.

Awaiting Further Directives,
Scamtastic

My Reply to Standard Finance:

APPLICATION FOR CLAIM CREDIT BALANCE OF USD $1.500, 000.00.‏

Sent:	Mon 3/23/09 2:26 PM
To:	transferdept@sfbconnect.com

THE DIRECTOR
FINANCE AND REMITTANCE,
STANDARD FINANCE
E-MAIL: transferdept@sfbconnect.com
Website: http://www.sfbconnect.com/nig/
Tel: + 234 01 760 6283

APPLICATION FOR CLAIM CREDIT BALANCE OF USD $1.500, 000.00.

I write to lay claim over my contract funds of 1.5 Million Dollars which is presently in deposited in a suspended account with your bank.

I wish as the beneficiary, to claim and instruct that the above-mentioned fund be handed over to me at the earliest through my appointed mode of payment.

I hope my application will be favourably granted by your good office and shall provide you my details and preferred mode of receipt of the fund as soon as my payment is approved.

Thanks for your anticipated co-operation.

Faithfully Yours,
Scamtastic

(not dictated or read)

Scam Reply from Standard Finance:

Date: Mon, 23 Mar 2009 20:57:20 -0500
Subject: NEEDED DOCUMENT FOR VERIFCATION
From: transferdept@sfbconnect.com

THE DIRECTOR
FINANCE AND REMITTANCE,
STANDARD FINANCE
E-MAIL: transferdept@sfbconnect.com
Website: http://www.sfbconnect.com/nig/
Tel: + 234 01 760 6283
PHONE NUMBER: 011-234 01 760 6283

ATTENTION:

Following Vetting And Verification Of The Application Received From Barrister Fred Oputa, On Your Behalf For Your Contract Payment, We Want To Inform You That Your Payment Has Been Programmed To Be Effected By Online Bank To Bank Wire Transfer.

In Accordance With Our Operational Procedure In This Bank, We Shall Commence In Earnest With The Verification Of Your Submitted Information In Order To Appropriate And Confirm The Validity Of Your Claim.

You Are Therefore Being Fully Advised To Provide The Document Below For The Verification Exercise And Immediate Transfer Of Your Fund To Your Bank Account Without Any Delay.

1)A Sworn Affidavit from A Federal High Court of Appeal to Show That You Are The Real Beneficiary to This Fund

2)Your Drivers License or International Passport.

You Are To Contact Your Attorney And For This Document.

We Await Your Response.

BEST REGARDS,
THE DIRECTOR
FINANCE AND REMITTANCE,
STANDARD FINANCE
E-MAIL: transferdept@sfbconnect.com
Website: http://www.sfbconnect.com/nig/
Tel: + 234 01 760 6283

(c) 2004 All rights reserved, Contact

My Reply To Fred 4:

Mr. Fred,

I received the letter below, but "The Director" never game me his name. I trust Kathy Lloyds and you, but it's hard to do business with someone when you don't even know what to call them. I'm sure you can understand my hesitancy, since I have been scammed so many times in the past. Do you know his name? The whole thing sounds fishy if you ask me.

Please let me know if this "Director" is legitimate before I give him any additional information. You should also know that I don't have a passport or driver's license. I have never left the country or had the need to drive, as there is a bus stop conveniently located outside my front door. I have attached a Chucky Cheese gift card with my name on it for ID. Please let me know if this will do.

I guess I'm also going to need your help with the "Sworn Affidavit from A Federal High Court of Appeal to Show That You Are The Real Beneficiary to This Fund". Please get back to me as to how I can acquire this document.

And finally, I really need to get Kathy Lloyds current email address. I constantly try to contact her, but it keeps bouncing back to me. I pitched the idea of doing a movie based on her life story to Disney the other day and they are VERY interested. The main characters will be turtles, but besides that it's all Kathy. As the Writer/Producer, I need to discuss her likeness rights before we move forward. She is going to be a very rich woman and I'm assuming that you will get a certain percent as her lawyer. So please do whatever you can to get me her contact information as soon as possible.

Attornelly Yours,
Scamtastic

The Mysterious Mr. Gabby

Email Scam:

From: INFO@LOTTO.ORG
Subject: INTERNET STATE LOTTERY AWARD!!!
Date: Sun, 2 Nov 2008 14:00:18 +0100

State Lottery Company (State lorre)
2nd Floor Chiltern House, St Nicholas Court
25 - 27 Castlegate, Nottingham NG1 7AR,
United Kingdom.
http://www.statelottery.com/

Dear Lucky Winner,

We happily announce to you the result of the State Lottery draws held on Saturday 18th October 2008, Lotto 6/49 in Essex, United Kingdom. All participants were selected randomly from World Wide Web site through computer draws system and extracted from over 10,000.00 companies and personal e-mail addresses.

Your e-mail address attached to ticket number: B9564 7560 with serial number 046560 drew the winning numbers 6 7 14 16 17 27 Bonus 32. You have therefore been approved to claim a total sum of ?500,000.00 (FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND POUNDS STERLING) in cash credited to file EAAL/9080118308/08.

To file for your claim, please contact our corresponding claim agent immediately you read this message for quick and urgent release of your fund.

Contact information is as follow:

Mr. Richard Smith.
Email: bli1616@rocketmail.com

Endeavour to submit the below information’s as stated below to enable Mr. Gabby process your winning.

1. Full Name:................................

2. Full Address:.............................
3. Marital Statue:...........................
4. Occupation:...............................
5. Age:.......................................
6. Sex:.......................................
7. Nationality:...............................
8. Tel. Number:..............................
9. Country of Residence.....................

***Due to possible mix up of some numbers and email contacts, we ask that you keep this award strictly from public notice until your claim has been processed and your money remitted. This is part of our security protocol to avoid double claiming or unscrupulous acts by some participants of this program. ***

Congratulations once more from all members and staff of this promotional Lottery program.

Yours Sincerely,
State Lottery Company
**Customer Service**

My Reply:

Mr. Smith,

Thank you money. I like money. English no good. I am not for rain. I am slow. You are good man. Please give me money.

> 1. Full Name:..............Full Scamtastic

> 2. Full Address:..........Full Hiltop Home For Retarded, 3006 New Bern Ave, Raleigh, NC 27610
> 3. Marital Statue:...........................No
> 4. Occupation:...............................No
> 5. Age:.......................................24
> 6. Sex:.......................................No
> 7. Nationality:...............................America
> 8. Tel. Number:..............................919-251-8537
> 9. Country of Residence.....................America

Who is Mr. Gabby?

Sin Cereally,
Scamtastic

For The Love Of Xenu

Email Scam:

Date: Wed, 4 Mar 2009 18:13:30 +0500
Subject: MY BENEFICIARY....
From: susanj50@fastermail.com

From Mrs. Susan Jones.
7 Old Church Street,
Chelsea, SW3 5LT,
London, England.

Dear Friend,

My name is Mrs. Susan Jones, wife of late Dr. Greg Jones who died December 2nd 2006, 'May his soul rest in peace'. My late husband was into private practice all his life before his death.

Our life together as husband and wife lasted for years without a child. He died after a protracted illness, but before his death we vowed to start Charity Project to uplift the downtrodden and the less-privileged individuals, as he had passion for persons who cannot help themselves due to physical disability or financial predicament. I can adduce this to the fact that we needed a child from this relationship, which never come till his death.

Before his death, he deposited the sum of 5,000,000.00GBP (Five Million Great Britain Pounds Sterling) to his local bank account here in UK with the good heart of using it for the Charity Project and till now the money is still with the Bank.

After series of medical test on me last week, my Doctor has told me that I have limited days to live due to Cancerous illness known as Leukemia, which has affected my heart system.

Though what bothers me most is the stroke that I have in addition to this cancer.

With this hard reality that has befallen me, I have decided to give you this money and I want you to use this gift which come from my late husband effort to assist the upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans, destitute, the down-trodden, physically challenged children, barren-women and persons who prove to be genuinely handicapped financially as planned with my late husband before his sudden death.

For accepting to help me receive this money in your local bank account and also to invest it on Charity Project, you would take 10% of the 5 Million Great Britain Pounds for your personal use and all your expenses during the charity project after receiving the money will be deducted from the huge sum. As soon as I receive your reply through this my confidential email address ssjones60@yahoo.com.hk.

Be rest assured that I will sign the necessary Probate Document to make you my Next of Kin,hence empower you as the Original Beneficiary of the money and I will also give you the bank contact where the money was deposited in UK to avoid delay in transferring the money to you now that I am still alive.

I will expect your positive response with urgency. God bless you and members of your family.

Yours sincerely,
Mrs. Susan Jones.

My Reply:

Mrs. Jones,

I am incredibly sorry to hear about your failing heart system and would be very interested in helping you allocate your husband's wealth to a charitable organization. As a less-privileged person in constant financial predicaments, I have always been stressed about not donating enough money to charity. That's why most of my money has gone directly to the Church of Scientology to improve my E-meter reading.

My auditor tells me that engrams are ravaging my body and preventing me from becoming "clear", which is probably why I've been so downtrodden my whole life. However, with this much money I will finally be able to pay for enough auditing sessions to get myself to Operating Thetan. Then I will know the true meaning of life and possibly be able to cross the Bridge and hang out with Tom Cruise and John Travolta.

I hope this response is both positive and urgent enough. I look forward to becoming your next of kin.

L. Ron Bless You,
Scamtastic

Scam Reply:

Date: Sat, 7 Mar 2009 02:57:35 -0800
From: ssjones60@yahoo.com.hk
Subject: RE: MY BENEFICIARY....

Hello Scamtastic,

I want you to please accept the 10% for your assistance. Below is the contact information of my Attorney, his duty is to process the probate document to make you my next of kin and beneficiary of the 5,000,000.00GBP, to authorize you claim the money.

We have agreed that you will pay his chambers 5% of the money as their charge for the job as soon as you receive the money in your account, because I cannot pay them any money now due to my illness. Below is his direct contact information, and when contacting him through email use Dr. & Mrs. Jones charity project as your subject, because it is the code to prove that you were truly directed by me.

Barrister. Marcus Bruce
Phone: +44 703 596 7735
Fax: +44 709 288 2197
Email: barrstar.marcusbruce@yahoo.co.uk

Please contact him immediately so that he will tell you the necessary information to make you my next of kin and to transfer the 5,000,000.00 Pounds to your account, he is the only one I trusted due to his honesty and friendship with my late husband.

I don’t know if I can come to computer room again this period, but if you did not hear from me again always pray for me because I will continue to pray for you wherever I go.

Good luck and god bless you and your family.

Mrs. Susan Jones.

My Reply 2:

Mr. Bruce,

I was referred to you by our good (late?) friend Mrs. Susan Jones. Please let me know what I need to do to accept her husband's fortune, as I have already planned on donating all of the money to the Church of Scientology. I know it says that you are charging 5% for your commission, but I was hoping you could do the work pro-bono since it is going to such a worthy cause.

As a lawyer, I'm sure you are under a lot of stress. So, for your trouble, I can guarantee you a dozen auditing sessions. If you are diligent and do your spiritual homework, this should be enough get you to the level "Pre-clear". It won't eliminate all of your stress, but will put you on the right path to Serenity of Beingness.

Most of your money will go towards building a new Celebrity Center in Sundance, Utah. The Mormons have long since ruled the roost out there and I think it's about time we stake our claim. I believe we can help a lot of unhappy famous people come to understand the true meaning of life.

The Celebrity Center will primarily be used by the glitterati, but some "normals" will be allowed entrance for special recruiting events. We're hoping to have the center built in time for the 2010 Sundance Film Festival, where we will blanket the streets of Park City with volunteers. They will be doing free E-meter readings and trying to convert followers to the ways of the Hubbard.

I look forward to our hearing from you. Big Win.

Ronspeed,
Scamtastic

Scam Reply 2:

Date: Tue, 10 Mar 2009 19:59:25 +0000
From: barrstar.marcusbruce@yahoo.co.uk
Subject: Our Ref: MBC/LC/VOL.i/011/2009

Our Ref: MBC/LC/VOL.i/011/2009
Ditto: 10-03-2009
Your Ref: CHF/BNK/1146/2009

Dear Client,

RE: VERIFICATION:

The above subject matter refers.

We are glad to receive your email concerning your transaction with our client Mrs. Susan Jones and we have verified that you were truly directed by her.

Our duty is to process the necessary Probate Document required to make you her Next Of Kin and also to make sure you claim the money for the assigned project. In this regards we shall give you the bank contact where the money were deposited after procurement of your Probate Document (Letter of Authorization) from the Probate Registry of Royal Court of Justice United Kingdom, which would legally put you in position as her Next Of Kin, thus making you the beneficiary of the fund.

You are here by officially informed to send us the following details information; (1) Your Complete Names (2) Your Resident Address (3) Your Phone & Fax numbers (5) Occupation (4) Age, Sex and Marital Status. The complete requested information would enable us process your Probate Document within 3 working days to make you Mrs. Jones Next Of Kin and also the beneficiary of their funds. Our law office advice you to act fast for the success of this transfer now that she is still alive. Always remember to quote your Reference Number (CHF/BNK/1146/2009) in all your corresponding emails to this office, to avoid complication of information. Thanks for your effort and kindness, have a blessed day.

Barr. Marcus Bruce.
For. MARCUS BRUCE & CO.
+44 703 596 7735

My Reply 3:

Mr. Bruce,

I have listed the requested information below.

1) Scam Grundle tastic
2) 7 Highboy Ct, Middletown, NJ 07701
3) No phone or fax (I only have a cell phone and it was stolen by vandals)
5) Architectural Novelist
4) 28, M, currently on eHarmony

Reference Number: CHF/BNK/1146/2009

Please let me know what other information you need, so we can conclude this transaction before Mrs. Jones dies and her Thetan is taken to the landing station on Venus, where it is programmed with lies, and dumped into another meat body here on Earth.

L. Ron We Trust,
Scamtastic

I Can See Clearly Now, My Brain Is Gone

Email Scam:

From: llucluc@btconnect.com
Subject: PLEASE READ CAREFULLY
Date: Wed, 11 Feb 2009 23:08:10 +0100

GOOD DAY.

I don't really know who you are, but peace be unto you as you read this letter. My Instinct tells me that I can trust you by my proposition. I got your contact through Internet directory and My Instinct directed me to send this money to you.

I am a widow and a devoted Christian, my name is Mrs. Linda Lucas from England, married to Christopher Lucas, since my husband died, I have been suffering from arthritics and lately doctors have diagnosed me with terminal cancer which left me with approximately twelve months to live. I am currently on wheelchair and being looked after by a nurse and some of my late husband's relatives in turns.

Before my husband died, he left some money to the tone of Ј2,800,000,00 (Two million, eight hundred thousand Pounds) and he made me promised him that it should be used for humanitarian work, because we have no children and he does not want his brothers to lay hand on it, since they don't believe in God, they have a different vision.

This money is currently in a vault with a deposit company in EUROPE. If you will promise me that you will use this money to achieve the wish of my husband and me, then I will instruct the deposit company to release the funds in your name. Note that I don't speak much due to my illness; I will appreciate if we communicate through email. Reply me through my email address: lindalucas22@hotmail.com for us to discuss so that you can go and claim this money before I die.

May God bless you as you walk in the light and glory.
Thank you.
Yours in Vineyard,
Mrs. Linda Lucas
Email: lindalucas22@hotmail.com

My Reply:

Dear Mrs. Lucas,

Even though I don't really know who you are, my instincts tell me that I can trust you too. You see, I got into a car accident a few months ago and developed psychic abilities after injuring the part of my brain that interferes with psychic message reception.

My doctor said most people have this part switched "on", which causes static on the telepathic "line(s)". But when my head slammed into the dashboard at 70 mph, it somehow switched that part of my brain to the off "station". And now I can clearly hear spirits in my head all the time. Their voices are like beautiful music being played underwater with melodic lyrics about future events. In fact, a few days ago they told me I was going to receive an email about a windfall of money from an Internet stranger. They even mentioned that both your first and last name would start with the same letter. Amazing!

At first I was confused by all this, but my doctor calmly explained that back in caveman times, before our brains "devolved", everyone was able to "tune in" to the "psychic airwaves". This explains how they first learned to use fire and build the wheel. Unfortunately, this eventually lead to the cavemen becoming lazy, since they could see the future and know ahead of time where to stand to avoid dinosaurs and find food. However, in a sick twist of fate, the gene that allowed for psychic abilities also carried the characteristic of extremely tiny phalluses, which eventually caused the adaptation to die off.

That's why I plan to use the money to start a clinic where for a small fee we will do a quick surgical procedure to turn off the psychic interference in people's brains, which has been lying dormant for low these many years. That way everyone can hear the beautiful voices again! Since this is done medically, it would not effect the genes or size of the phallus. I would also use some of the money to lobby the Surgeon General to include this along with circumcision as possible options for parents of newborn babies.

Just now, as I am writing this email, the voices started singing that your husband Chris is watching us from Heaven and that he loves you very much. He is very happy to hear you have cancer, because he says he will get to see you very soon. He also says that you should take the car in to be serviced, because the oil hasn't been changed since he past and your favorite color is purple.

Oh no! The psychic voices just told me that your brother-in-laws are conspiring with your nurse (whose lucky number is 17) to murder you and take the money! You must do exactly what I say or else these Godless heathens will take your husband's money and spend it on freaky fetish porn and abortions! First you must email me a picture of yourself so I can read your psychic vibrations better. Second, you must slip your cancer medication into your nurse's drink. After a week, she will feel sick and have to stay home from work. The nursing agency will send a replacement. Her name will start with a D or T and she will help you get me the money before the old nurse returns. You will only have a few days before the medication will wear off, so please hurry!

Telepathically yours,
Scamtastic

PS - To answer the questions from your next email: Yes. April 23rd, 1972. Orange.

Moldy Georgia Peach

Email Scam:

From: debramartins@bellsouth.net
Subject: COMPENSATION DEPARTMENT
Date: Fri, 10 Oct 2008 19:34:31 +0100

Dear Friend,

How are you today? Hope all is well with you and your family? I hope this mail meets you in a perfect condition. I am using this opportunity to thank you for your great effort to our unfinished transfer of fund into your account due to one reason or the other best known to you. But I want to inform you that I have successfully transferred the Cheque out of the company to someone else who was capable of assisting me in this great venture.

Due to your effort, sincerity, courage and trust worthiness you showed at the course of the transaction I want to compensate you and show my gratitude to you with the sum of $850,000.00 ( Eight Hundred and Fifty Thousand United States Dollars) I have authorized the finance house where I deposited my money to issue you international certified bank draft cashable at your bank.

My dear friend I will like you to contact the finance house for the collection of this international certified bank draft. The name and contact address of the Person with your Cheque MR. DONALD RAY is as follows.

COMPENSATION DEPARTMENT
CONTACT NAME: MR. DONALD RAY
EMAIL: mr.donaldray@rocketmail.com
CELL PHONE :- 011-234-708-304-5364

At the moment, I am very busy here because of the investment projects which myself and my new partner are having at hand. Finally, remember that I have forwarded instruction to the finance house on your behalf to send the bank draft to you as soon as you contact them without delay. Please I will like you to accept this token with good faith as this is from the bottom of my heart.

Thanks and God bless you and your family.

Hope to hear from you soon.

Your's Faithfully,
Mrs. Debra Martins

My Reply:

Dear Mr. Ray,

I haven't been this excited since 1982 when I was crowned Miss Georgia Peach! Since then, however, my life has gone downhill faster than Peekaboo Street in an avalanche.

I'm a three time divorcee with two estranged, ungrateful daughters. When they were girls we had so much fun competing in beauty pageants together. The makeup, the glitz. I remember being so proud of my little princesses. So I've decided to use the money to start my own beauty pageant. It will be more magnificent than a thousand Cinderella balls!

I have already found my judges. One is a former Miss Teen America and current Atlanta Falcons cheerleader. She's a great role model for the girls and an example of what you can accomplish if you work hard and are really attractive. I, of course, will be the humble Abdul-esque second judge. And the third judge is this guy I met outside the local elementary school. I noticed him staring at the girls with an amazing intensity and writing in a notebook, which I could only assume were critiques on their poise and balance, since he hid their scores before I could see. It's extremely hard to find straight men who show an interest in developing the talent of young girls. Most of the male judges in the industry are swishier than a silk dress in a hurricane. And I don't believe it's possible for a man to accurately judge female beauty if he gets hot and bothered over another man's rumpled foreskin.

After getting this email, I ran down to the Sheraton to reserve their largest conference room. Once I receive the check from you I will be able to buy the sashes, trophies, and tiaras. Then everything will be perfect again.

God bless,
Ms. Scamtastic

The Bad German

Email Scam:

From: markwellingesq2001@ymail.com
Subject: Please read
Date: Tue, 14 Oct 2008 17:18:40 +0100

From: Mark Welling (Welling & Associates, Fulham, London SW6 1RP, United Kingdom).

Dear Friend,

I am Mark Welling, an attorney here in the United Kingdom. I am writing following an oppurtunity in my office that will be of immense benefit to both of us.

I was the legal counsel to the late Mr. Rudolf Haeussler, a German who unfortunately lost his life in the 24 November 2001 Crossair aircraft crash of the 97-seat Jumbolino Avero RJ-100 aircraft en route from Berlin, Germany to Zurich, Switzerland, killing also his wife and only daughter. The aircraft crashed in poor weather conditions as it approached Zurich airport.

Before his death, I assisted him deposit a consignment containing the sum of US$19.1M (Nineteen Million One Hundred Thousand US Dollars) with a financial institution in one of the major cities here in Europe.

Since I got information about his death, I have been expecting his next of kin or relatives to come over and claim his money. Unfortunately I learnt that his supposed next of kin being his only daughter died along with him in the plane crash leaving nobody with the knowledge of this fund behind for the claim. It is therefore upon this discovery that I now decided to do business with you and release the money to you as the next of kin or beneficiary of the funds for safe keeping and subsequent disbursement since nobody is coming for it. I would need you as a Foreigner acting as the next of kin and sole benefactor to the inheritance of late Mr. Rudolf Haeussler to claim the funds for us to share.

There is no risk involved at all in the matter as I am going to adopt a legalized method and prepare all the necessary documents. Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred, we shall share in the ratio of 60% for me, 35% for you and 5% for any expenses incurred during the course of this operation. Should you be interested, please send me your telephone and fax numbers for easy communication through this email address.

In the event you are not interested, I sincerely ask that you disregard this email and tell no one about it. I am very careful not to truncate my legal career should you mention this to someone else. I hope you can be trusted in this regard.

Please note that all necessary arrangement for the smooth release of these funds to you have been finalised. We will discuss more in details when I do receive your response.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Best regards,
Mark Welling esq.

My Reply:

Mr. Welling Esq,

Thanks for contacting me about my Uncle Rudolf. You see, my family moved from Germany to the US when I was very young. Soon after we arrived, Uncle Rudolf was caught stealing some bread for us and they deported him. We felt guilty about it, so every month we sent him money to make sure he had a good life.

As the years went by, he would consistently mail us these gut-wrenching letters about how he never had enough to eat and couldn't afford the medication to treat the many diseases that he contracted on the boat ride back. So we kept upping the amount. Now it seems that he was pocketing the money and had $19.1M dollars in his bank account!

In one letter, he even told us that the diseases left him hideously disfigured and he was rendered impotent from malnutrition. But obviously this was a lie, as he had a wife and child. To think of all of the simple pleasures my family and I lived without to make sure that "poor" Uncle Rudolf was happy. Excuse my German, but what a crock of shit!

Now I'm not sure how they do things in your country, but here in the US, lawyers do not receive 60% of your inheritance. Especially when I spent my youth wearing my sister's hand-me-downs lederhosen, so Uncle Rudolf could get his "insulin". I recently spoke with my friend who is an attorney specializing in international law and he said that the most you should receive is a 10% finder's fee in addition to your hourly rate. I am willing to pay the additional costs, but I can't imagine that they would amount to 5% of $19.1M. Please send me any receipts and I will pay you whatever is owed.

Angrily nostalgic,
Scamtastic

Millennium Scientific Computer Game

Email Scam:

From: euro@promo.org
Subject: CALL DAVID COOK FOR YOUR CLAIM TODAY TEL:0034 665 137 121
Date: Tue, 26 Aug 2008 06:07:18 +0100

Euro Million lottrey award 2008.
PLAZA DE LA REINA 2
C.P 28090 Madrid.
Spain Branch.Ref. N? ESM/WIN/008/05/10/MA

Batch. N? EULO/2907/444/908/08.YOUR E-MAIL ADDRESS WON THE LOTTERY AWARD 2008 AWARDWe wish to congratulate you over your email success in our computer Balloting sweepstake held on 23th AUG 2008. This is a millennium scientific computer game in which email addresses were used.

It is a promotional program aimed at encouraging internet users; therefore you do not need to buy ticket to enter for it. Your email address attached to ticket star number (34234) with 20serial number 51622 drew the EUROMILLION lucky numbers 7-17-20-30-66 which consequently won the draw in the Second category.

You have been approving for the star prize of $1.7M (One Million Seven Hundred Thousand Dollars Only).CONGRATULATIONS!!! You are advised to keep this winning very confidential until you receive your lump prize in your account or optional cheque issuance to you.

This is a protective measure to avoid double claiming by people you may tell as we have had cases like this before, please send your Full Name, Home and Office Tel & Fax Number, Mobile Tel Number and your winning ticket number, reference numbers and amount won information for processing of your winning fund to our registered claim agent in address below:

VASCO SEGUROS SA
Dr. Cook David
Address: Avda .Del Castellon 42
Madrid Spain.
TEL:0034 665 137 121
E-mail:davidcook0@info.lt

Be informed that the appointed agent will be required to swear affidavits of lotto claim also remember, all winning must be claimed not later than 30th AUGUST, 2008. Please note, in order to avoid unnecessary delays and complications, remember to quote your reference number and batch number in all correspondence.

Furthermore, should there be any change of address do inform our agent as soon as possible. Once again congratulations. Your email address has brought to you this expected luck. Mrs. Maria Burgos

Pedro De La Ros Martinez Mark,
(Lottery coordinator)

My Reply:

Dear Mr. Cook,

I am an elderly woman and just tried my first Internet today. I have to say it is a little overwhelming. I have already received so many mails from people I do not know.

When I was a child I thought the radio was high technology. I remember listening to the Amos & Andy Show every day after school. Of course, now we know they were horrible racists. But those were different times. If I would have told my father that one day I would vote for a black President, he would have slapped my mouth and told me that's why they will never give women the right to vote. I am sure he is spinning in his grave right now.

Since I am new to this, I do not know what is a millennium scientific computer game. I am definitely encouraged to use the Internet, especially now that I know I can win money. Unfortunately, do not have any family to share the money. Maybe I will become a sugar momma to some young stud! I think Joy Behar calls them "cougars".

I promise not to tell anyone until I get the money. I am a very private person and you can trust me on this.

Please call me at KLondike 5-3247. Give me a hour to get home though as I am currently at my local library. I hope it is not a problem, but I do not have a touch tone phone. I live in Brooklyn, NY at 7 Oak St. You can send the check there. If you need to bring one of those extra large novelty checks for a photo, I should meet you out on the street, as my hallways are very narrow.

Decrepitly yours,
Ms. Scamtastic

An Arm For An Arm

Email Scam:

Date: Tue, 23 Sep 2008 20:58:08 +0000
From: davidfeels@optonline.net
Subject: Good Day

Good Day
I am Mr. David Sek-chi Kwok, Chief Executive and Managing Director of the Shanghai Commercial and Savings Bank, Ltd. I have a business suggestion for you.

Gen. Hussein Ali Youssef who was with the Iraqi Army and also businessman made a fixed deposit for 18 calendar months, in a value of Twenty one million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch. Several maturities notice was sent to him, before the war which began in 2003. Also after the war another notification was sent and no response came from him. We later found out that the General along with his wife and only daughter had been killed during the war in a bomb blast that hit their home.

After more inquiry it was also discovered that this General did not declare any next of kin in his official papers. And he also confided in me the last time he was at my office that no one except me knew of his deposit in my bank.

I want you to know that I have everything planned out so that we shall come out successful. There is no risk involved at all in this matter, as we are going to adopt a legalized method and the attorney will prepare all the necessary documents.

Should you be interested send me the following; Full names, private phone number, current residential address and I prefer you reach me on my private email address below after which I shall provide you with more details on this operation.

Your earliest response to this letter will be appreciated.

Kind Regards,
Mr. David Sek-chi Kwok.
Email: (davsckwok@yahoo.com.hk)

My Reply:

Mr. David,

In 2006, my son joined the Marines and was sent to Iraq. Then two weeks ago he was sent home, minus one arm. The government won't pay for an artificial limb, because they claim he was high on qualudes and got run over by his own Humvee. Ever since he got his dishonorable discharge, he's been sitting around the house feeling sorry for hisself.

But now fate has intervened and paid us back! I'm not saying I'd willingly trade his arm for $21M, but the Lord works in mysterious ways and far be it from me to question him. I've already decided to use some of the money to buy him one of those robotic arms from the Terminator movie. I put it on layaway as soon as I got your email. He's gonna love it! Plus, I have bad arthritis and can't open my jars of mayo. I'm sure one of those bad boys will pop'em open like a girl on prom night.

781 Lakeside Terrace
Saratoga, FL 32189

I recently dropped my cell phone in the toilet and tried to dry it in the microwave. Hopefully, I will be able to buy a new one with my Iraqi money. Until then, please contact me at this email address.

Semper Fi,
Scamtastic

再见

Email Scam:

From: Yonggi Cho (hsbaccountmanagerofficer@yahoo.com.hk)
Sent: Tue 10/07/08 6:35 PM

Hang Seng Bank Ltd,
Yau Tsim Mong Branch,
One Grand Tower G/F,
639 Nathan Road
Kowloon West, Hong Kong Island
Website; www.hangseng.com.hk

Dear Mr/Mrs,
Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr.Yonggi Cho director of operations of the Hang Seng Bank Ltd. I will need you to assist me in executing this Business Project from Hong Kong to your country.Twenty millions United State Dollars only in my branch.

Please endeavor to observe utmost discretion in all matters concerning this issue. Once the funds have been transferred to your nominated bank account we shall then share in the ratio of 60% for me, 40% for you. If you are interested please send me your Full names: Private phone number: Current residential address: Finally after that I shall provide you with more details of this operation. And I will prefer you reach me on my private email address below Email:

hsbaccountmanagerofficer@yahoo.com.hk

Kind Regards,
Mr Yonggi Cho

My Response:

Mr. Cho,

I'm not what you'd call a book learner. However, I'm also not street smart or handsome. But I do know one thing, and that is Orientals is good with money. Or was it the Jews? I don't remember exactly what Pappy said because I'm drunk, but I'm pretty sure he said you're good at numbers because your squinty eyes helped you concentrate in school, while my round eyes were better for taking out the trash and mowing the lawn.

The only thing I want to know is who gets the additional 10%?

I don't have a phone as it is the work of the Devil. My current address is PO Box 114, Birmingham, Alabama. And to answer your question, yes, I live in alley behind the post office.

Please provide me with details of the secret operation. And use smaller words as "endeavor", "utmost", and "discretion" confuse me.

再见
Scamtastic

What A Country!

Email Scam:

From: spaul030@umn.edu
Subject: development project
Date: Thu, 4 Dec 2008 04:59:14 –0600

Dear Friend,

Good day to you, I am representing a major company CEO in Russia. He has given me a very sensitive and private brief to ask for your partnership to re-profile legitimately accrued funds well over fifty million euros for a pipeline/transportation development project in the US.

I will give the details, but in summary, the funds are coming via a bank in western europe, and this is a very legitimate request. You will be paid 8% for your management fees",if I am able to reach agreeable terms with you.

If this would interest you, please write me back by email and provide me with your telephone number, and private email address and I will provide further details. I wish for you to have this request as private as much as possible; we can not afford any political problems in our country.

Write me back only at my secured email; alexander.torchilin@rambler.ru for an early response.

Thank you very much i look forward to it.

Alexander Torchilin.

My Reply:

Mr. Torchilin,

What part of Russia are you from? I live in Alaska and might be able to see you from my house. I have never been to your country, but have wanted to go ever since I saw Yakov Smirnoff say, "In the United States, you can always find a party. In Soviet Russia, the Party finds you! " Now that sounds like a fun place to live! However, my wife and I raise champion sled dogs for the Iditarod, which is a full-time job and leaves little room for vacations. It's hard work, but I couldn't imagine my life without those bitches.

In Alaska we get money from the oil companies, because our Governor allowed them to penetrate their dirty pipeline deep within our beautiful territory. So before I get involved with you, I want to know where you would like to lay your dirty pipe.

I know they do things differently over there. Like Yakov said, "Homosexuality in Russia is a crime and the punishment is seven years in prison, locked up with other men. There is a three year waiting list." Here in America, we treat homosexuality the same as bestiality. And what a man, a woman, a Costco-sized jar of Peter Pan peanut butter, and 20 sled dogs does is there own private business and should have nothing to do with waiting lists or prisons.

Unfortunately, our telephone hasn't worked since Mr. Fluffles chewed through the wire and was electrocuted. We have tried to contact the phone company, but live 45 minutes from the nearest town, and our carrier pigeons keep freezing. So in the meantime, you should feel free to contact me at this address.

Hopefully Jesus will freeze the Bering Strait again, and me and my dogs can come and see you.

What a country,
Scamtastic